Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Echo...Echo...

Last week was hell. Last week was beyond hell. The sad thing is that aside from a few clear identifiers, I wouldn't be able to tell really WHY it was hell.

I had a nightmare. It sounds stupid, but I had a nightmare about my daughter that was so bad I spent the morning and afternoon crying whenever I thought about it. And I am not a crier. That whole experience then kicked off a still-present worry jag, where I cannot go more than an hour without worrying and panicking that something is going to happen to my kid. I think it's stress, and the fact that she isn't here with me the entire time, and her biological father is too physically jacked-up to be able to swiftly move into action should anything happen.

I took Elsa for a walk one day last week, and when we got back, J asked if we ran into any of our friends, which in turn made me laugh, because ELSA has friends, but I don't. I have been here for over a year now, and I have no friends here. I remember taking N out the night before Halloween, and as we hit up the house where the neighborhood's other Wheaten Terrier lives, they were having friends over, laughing and drinking wine and sneaking candy bars out of the bowl while their kids went trick-or-treating.

J doesn't care that he doesn't really know anyone in the neighborhood...but he's lived here for almost ten years. He might not know anyone in the neighborhood, but he has friends in the area, people whose house we could reach after ten minutes of driving. He doesn't get it.

I don't think I've ever been so shut off from people before in my life.