Saturday, September 10, 2011

More Access, Less Interaction

1. Get an iPhone.
2. Be on the Internet less.
3. Don't understand.

Total neglect...which is funny, but these days I need interaction from anyone that isn't my dog or my fiance more than ever. I know it sounds cruel, but that's pretty much who I see all day every day.

I am now the weekend mom, thanks to my ex, who can be assured that because of him, I have more anger and hate in my heart than ever before. I know it's a phase, and I'll eventually go back to being mildly repulsed by/indifferent to him like before. Right now the important thing, I'm trying to remind myself, is soaking up every single minute I can with my daughter.

I'm working, which is good, but ALL my time is either work or taking care of my 6'4", 300lb fiance as if he were yet another kid.

It all sounds harsh, I know. But it sounds much harsher than it actually is. For example, we have had a great, peaceful week together, and are enjoying the hell out of Norah. I just need to get this crap out as much as possible. Hopefully I'll get my butt in gear and continue to forge ahead.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Quarter-assed Update

1. Both of our exes are being asses.

2. Lots of work.

3. Crappy sleep.

4. Frustrating clients.

5. Attitude-y kids.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Echo...Echo...

Last week was hell. Last week was beyond hell. The sad thing is that aside from a few clear identifiers, I wouldn't be able to tell really WHY it was hell.

I had a nightmare. It sounds stupid, but I had a nightmare about my daughter that was so bad I spent the morning and afternoon crying whenever I thought about it. And I am not a crier. That whole experience then kicked off a still-present worry jag, where I cannot go more than an hour without worrying and panicking that something is going to happen to my kid. I think it's stress, and the fact that she isn't here with me the entire time, and her biological father is too physically jacked-up to be able to swiftly move into action should anything happen.

I took Elsa for a walk one day last week, and when we got back, J asked if we ran into any of our friends, which in turn made me laugh, because ELSA has friends, but I don't. I have been here for over a year now, and I have no friends here. I remember taking N out the night before Halloween, and as we hit up the house where the neighborhood's other Wheaten Terrier lives, they were having friends over, laughing and drinking wine and sneaking candy bars out of the bowl while their kids went trick-or-treating.

J doesn't care that he doesn't really know anyone in the neighborhood...but he's lived here for almost ten years. He might not know anyone in the neighborhood, but he has friends in the area, people whose house we could reach after ten minutes of driving. He doesn't get it.

I don't think I've ever been so shut off from people before in my life.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Well Again.

Finally, my sweet little bundle of preschooler joy got me sick. And it was a doozy! Enough that I actually went to the doctor's appointment Joe made for me while I was feverishly sleeping (I'm a little too gung ho about eschewing doctor visits when I possibly don't need them).

And now, I feel worlds better, I got my kiddo with me....and it's grey, dismal, and rainy outside. So much for that doggy walk I had planned (albeit, tentatively, but still). As if I don't have enough to do in this house. And I have my millions of readers, waiting frantically in front of their monitors for me to update this thing, right?

Like, returning the wedding dress I got. Turns out this is the third item of clothing I've purchased in the last month that was completely ruined by my figure. Yay. And women pay for this crap? On another clothing front, I am quite abashed to admit that I bought both skinny jeans AND jeggings at Old Navy...and not only are they really friggin' comfortable, but they're pretty cute, too.

It's the end of the world, I'm sure.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

A New Week

I've never looked at a Sunday as more of a fresh start than I have today.

This is good, because I can look at the events of last week more clearly than I ever could before. Hell, I'm looking at my life more clearly. I've been amazed at the revelations I've had in the last few days.

The only good thing that ever came out of that relationship is my daughter. Every interaction with him shows me what I never saw before. And you know what? I still come out the victor, no matter what happens in court - simply because when my daughter is with him, I'm not alone. When she is with me, he is alone.

Also a good thing - the fact that judges can't read minds. Whew.

Monday, February 7, 2011

UGH.

We have our custody hearing tomorrow.

I'm so nervous, I could puke.

Monday, January 31, 2011

Again.

There's this really disturbing pattern that keeps happening in my life.

I pick up N from her father's house, and she's sick. I take her home, take care of her, and by the time she leaves my house, she is well. The next week she is with her father, and when I pick her up that Sunday - she's sick.

It's been happening since last winter. It's so frustrating that last night, when she had a fever of 103 and she was holding her head and her body was so hot I could feel heat coming off of her, all I could do as I made dinner was CRY while Joe wet washcloths and got her comfortable on the couch.

And apparently I'm the "less responsible parent."

*I know that some of you out of my millions of readers know my ex, and I really don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or dwell on this crap, so I am really going to keep it to a minimum.